What is it?

Ambiguous loss is a term that greatly impacted me after coming across it in Pauline Boss’ book, Loss, Grief, and Resilience.

Ambiguous loss is a loss that has no projected end. It is a loss that is not defined with terms on how to manage it. 

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When someone passes away, there is a funeral, there is a grief period usually, it is acceptable and expected to be sad and to need time to heal. There is this general understanding that when someone passes away it is hard. 

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However, with ambiguous loss, there is a loss, but the person is still alive, or the person is missing.

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The aspect we will discuss is that among caregivers. 

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Caregivers watch a loved one go through a demanding disease process that has changed who the person used to be and they witness their loved one on a timeline of decline yet they do not know how long that timeline will be.

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And as time progresses, as you might know if you are a caregiver or have ever been a friend to someone who is, the demands for care increase, the physical and mental state of the loved one you are caring for declines. However, how do you mourn?

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How do you explain the sadness you feel at the loss of who someone used to be despite them being alive?

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That can create a very deep, dense emotional struggle. 

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And that is why understanding ambiguous loss can be so transformative - it is hard to understand why we feel the way we feel if we do not know what that emotion is.
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Unless we are able to process emotions such as grief efficiently, it can pop up as physical ailments later in life. This is one of the reasons it’s important to understand this. As a caregiver, it is pivotal to understand how to process your emotions.
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Quote from Pauline Boss:

“All losses are touched with ambiguity. Yet those who suffer losses without finality bear a particular burden. Whether it is the experience of caring for a parent in the grip of Alzheimer’s or waiting to learn the fate of a spouse gone missing in a disastrous event, the painful loss is coupled with a lack of closure. Bereft of rituals and social support, persons who experience such ambiguous losses find it hard to understand their situation, difficult to cope, and almost impossible to move ahead with their lives.”

In these examples individuals experience trauma and stress because the facts about the absence or presence of a loved one is immersed in uncertainty. There is no other loss like this. And the stress that it causes can be unimaginable.
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It has been compared to PTSD. However, the difference is that in PTSD there is a traumatizing event that is over, but flash backs happen repeatedly. In ambiguous loss the trauma is ongoing. The assault never lets up. However, both PTSD and ambiguous loss have the power to paralyze relationships for a lifetime and to impact subsequent generations (Boss et al., 2003)
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One of the worst mental battles I encountered when I first became a caregiver for my dad was the guilt around being exhausted or frustrated. After all, my dad survived a stroke…many people die from a stroke, but he’s alive, shouldn’t I be grateful? Can you relate?
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Reading the book Loss, Trauma, and Resilience by Pauline Boss was a pivotal part to improving my mentality, and it can help you, too.
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As a caregiver, we are expected to continue on as usual. We don’t have a mourning period.


If you are caring for someone, and you feel guilty or confused about your emotions surrounding it, know that this grief can be heavy. 

Hearing about ambiguous loss transformed my mental health, and I hope it helps you, too.

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3 other helpful tools:

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- Simply acknowledging this will help - you can release yourself of guilt, know that it’s not a source of weakness in you, but rather a difficult emotion and time. It is really hard to process our emotions and to move forward if we don’t acknowledge them. Acknowledging this in your life is the first step to allowing it to not become a burden.
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- Embrace the process of discussion, rather than rumination. Discussing supports resilience. Isolation and rumination is not helpful. Balance perceptions with facts. Perceptions matter, but they are not all that matter. And discussing helps us do that. (One reason I made a YouTube video about this, too).

We must have loving, caring relationships, as well. We don’t need a lot of friends, but we do need high quality individuals (family, friends, coworkers, etc.) who can help you refill, rather than drain you. Invest in those relationships.


- Eat well, nourish your body, and move your body. Rather than allowing yourself to drown in the stress of these demands, ask yourself, “What small effort will create the greatest reward for you?” If you are strong and healthy mentally and physically, you will not only be a better version of yourself for you, but you will be able to be there for the individual who is dependent on you.

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This is what I help my clients do. What habits and efforts can we implement that require the least change with the greatest reward? And that will create the greatest change for you, whatever life may throw at you.


It will build true resilience. 

What is true resilience?

Resilience is not being stubbornly persistent in thinking we can fix things if we work harder.
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True resilience is —> the ability to regain one’s energy after adversity drains it.
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“More than bouncing back, it is rising above traumatic loss by not letting it immobilize and living well despite them.  The ability of adults who are exposed to an isolated and potentially highly disruptive event, to maintain relative stable, healthy levels of psychological and physical functioning” - Bonanno (2004)


Realize that resilience does not require normal function.
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You can become strong in the midst of adversity and I hope this helps you. 

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Do you need help creating a streamline plan with nutrition, movement, and lifestyle to help you prevent disease and feel your best? If so, click here to apply to join Wellness in Bloom.

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